aspie babble

it’s been a long and confusing road to get to the point i am now.

looking back, there was so much obvious aspie behaviour. i’m frustrated that all the therapy and treatment i’ve had didn’t pick up on it until i was older. aspie girls become very good at masking their asperger’s. i’m a prime example of this- i was (am) quite ashamed of it being “different”.

i had anorexia as a teenager, but i am in recovery now. i’ve been diagnosed with various things before, and while they fit to some extent, i’m not sure it matters. at the core, i’m not an NT, and that means i have to approach life differently or i’ll feel even more trapped.

on the surface, i know i appear a little off kilter, even when i’m hiding it well and following the social “script” that i’ve learnt and perfected my whole life. i have quite a narrow range of emotions, and facial expressions.

there’s many traits i could describe but ultimately it’s quite boring. my close friends and family are used to me, even if they don’t know or understand fully (how could they?) i have various stims- some are irritating, and some are more comforting. i feel sick when people touch me or come too close. eye contact is pretty much out of the question, too.

of course, i’m used to myself, so it’s difficult to examine it. it’s frustrating for me to explain why i am how i am. i pass it off as “depression” or “anxiety” most of the time.

a lot of my behaviour, reactions, and coping mechanisms, didn’t appear to correlate to any fucked up cognition. i haven’t had a bad life. i didn’t need to “control” anything upsetting from my past. i just couldn’t handle how i felt. when the word “asperger’s” was brought up it was quite a relief.

of course, i’m not just a girl with asperger’s. i define myself more by my interests.

i love music- that’s the thing i connect with most. i like watching TV shows (films are too long, i forget characters and get bored), and going to concerts (it’s dark, and there’s only one sound happening!) i rarely tolerate silence.

i like seeing my best friends, i just don’t like conversation much. i only have limited phrases and sentences logged. when i’m tired or i act naturally, i find myself saying silly sentences, or stimming like crazy. i’m not interested in people generally, i’m happy alone. the only thing which makes me unhappy is the pressure to be sociable.

when i have a meltdown or i’m mute, people often think i’m pissed off/angry at them/i’m being a bitch. i feel guilty for that as it’s very rarely the case.

sensory issues are really difficult for me. i like comfortable clothes, i hate my hair on my face, and sounds other than music or familiar voices. loud voices are horrible, and smells are a pain because i’m so sensitive to them- particularly food. although things like vanilla and cake-like scents are soothing.

i also can’t stand when plans don’t work out, or people are late. if i’m told i’ll do something on a friday, i take it seriously and plan accordingly. i try to help my friends understand this, but they don’t seem to take it seriously. if someone’s late or early, it makes me immediately less interested in their company.

if i can’t get as comfortable as i need to be, i get overwhelmed to the point that my life will get jumbled, and i take it out on myself because i wish i could just be “normal”. i’m working on that.

that’s all i can think of for now, but please go to the ask box if you have any questions :-)